Good, Bad, Very Bad
by Maud Greyluck
Summary: James Potter always thought that he had a sense of humour. Life decided to prove him wrong. A joke about good, bad and very bad. Shamless slashy Sirry ficlet. Chapter 2: James's life only gets worse.
1. 1: Good, Bad, Very Bad

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or anything what you can recognize from the books. I do however own the plot of this story but I don't have profits because of it unless you count improving my English as a profit.

**Title:** Good, Bad and Very Bad.

**Characters:** James, Harry/Sirius.

**Summary:** James Potter always thought that he had a sense of humour. Life decided to prove him wrong.

**Rating:** Teen/PG13, Slash

**Author's note:** I read about this joke somewhere and I decided that it was wonderful plot for a little Sirry ficlet. There is not enough of Sirry out there - yeah I know, you are stuck with a weirdo who loves gay pairings as much as hetero ones. Did I ever told anyone that the first slash pairing which got me hooked up was Harry/Sirius? I mean, in the first moment I was kinda freaked out but later it made a sense, you know? And since I didn't wrote Sirry for something which feels like ages here it is. **_Proof read, it's too small for bothering my beta right now - and she has a lot to beta read right now._**

* * *

He heard that joke for the very first time at his bachelor's party. A joke about good, bad and very bad. It went like that:

**_Good: Your son has a date..._**

**_Bad: ...with a man..._**

**_Very bad: ...who happens to be your best friend._**

He heard it another few times after he married Lily and Harry was born. It was still funny and it made him smile but he never told it to anyone. He simply acknowledged it, buried somewhere deep in his mind and continued living his life.

**_Good: Your son has a date..._**

James tried to not felt bothered every time he asked his son about girls and Harry shrugged him off like pestering fly saying that he is too busy with studying and Quidditch to chase after girls.

That's why he was happy when Harry announced to him, and Lily, during breakfast on the eve of his eighteenth birthday that he had a date tonight. James was genuinely happy because he finally knew his son was normal teenager boy and like any normal teenage boy he was dating, someone.

"You will bring her around, right Harry?" Lily asked quickly, thrilled as much as James was that their little boy was growing up.

"Yeah, someday, maybe," Harry mumbled.

They didn't came back to this conversation that day.

**_Bad: ...with a man..._**

Harry's eighteenth birthday was spectacular. Harry's friends from Hogwarts were over, few people from James's team came too and of course Remus and Sirius made it too. Harry looked happy, the guests were having fun. The party was fabulous. Until James found sniffling Ginny Weasley hiding on the bench behind three bushes of Lily's favourite red roses. He immediately went to her, sat down on the bench and tried to comfort her.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked sympathetically.

"Rejection," she answered tearfully.

"Who rejected you?" James asked genuinely concerned. "Was it Neville? Or maybe that boy Dean?"

"Neither," she sniffled. "It was Harry."

'Harry rejected Ginny?' James loved red-heads, a certain one who gone by the name of Lily, and he would be very happy if his son happened to share his own taste, that's why Ginny's statement throw him off a bit.

"Maybe he already has eyes on a other girl," he said quickly.

"Try a boy. McGonagall caught him snogging sixth-year Prefect from Ravenclaw in a broom-closet at the beginning of the school year. Because he is of age she told him that she won't write to you unless she will catch him again," Ginny mumbled.

Harry did... what? Did his hearing got worse with age or did he really heard the girl saying that Harry snogged another boy? Ginny was probably upset about his rejection and maybe that's why... No, his mind felt too disturbed to simply forget it so he quickly excused himself and went to search Harry.

He found him in the kitchen, laughing at the joke which Sirius just said, Remus was there too, he was laughing like a maniac. James quickly motioned at his friends too leave the kitchen and sat on the opposite chair to Harry's.

"I heard a weird story tonight from Ginny Weasley. It involves you, sixth-year Ravenclaw, broom-closet and McGonagall. Care to enlighten me?" he asked unceremoniously.

Harry sighed heavily before he answered, "Duncan Smith, we had few dates during my fifth-year... We fell off at the beginning of the last school year, two days after McGonagall caught us."

"So you are..." James didn't dared to finish, he didn't wanted to finish.

"Gay?" Harry supplied quickly. "Very much so. Yesterday I was on the date with a man too. Now will you excuse me dad, I wanted to ask Sirius about Auror training if you don't mind," he said and before James had even a chance to reply he left the kitchen.

**_Very bad: ...who happens to be your best friend._**

It was three days after Harry's birthday party and James was contemplating the beauty of their garden – that's what he told to Lily when he decided to come here to sulk. His son was gay. His only son liked men. His only son wouldn't give him grandkids he always wanted to have. Fucking shit, damn it. And on the top of that tonight Harry had another date ... and was running pretty late.

He contemplated various possibilities: sending Harry to a whore-house to get the good taste of pleasure one could have with a woman was currently James's favourite one. He was about to come with few more when he saw them.

They were coming down the road and getting closer to the house. Harry and a man James couldn't recognise from the distance. They were laughing and talking. Man's arm was draped around Harry's shoulder. They looked awfully comfortable.

He could change in his Animagus form of course, but his antlers would be a dead giveaway and he didn't wanted it. He wanted to get closer so he could get the name of the guy, which would allow him to set a revenge together with Sirius and Remus on the man. Nobody was turning his son gay and lived to tell the tell, damn it!

They stopped in front of the gates to the garden by the time James made it on his hands and knees to the bush of roses from behind which he could heard their conversation and spy them without getting caught.

The man was tall, dark-hired and lanky. The fact that he was only seeing the man's back almost made James hex the man, just for the taste of things to come. But he decided against it, for now.

"He won't be happy, you know that he won't," Harry said quietly.

"Does it makes you unhappy?" asked the man and James could swear on his parents' bones that he heard the voice before.

"Frankly, no. In fact I don't give a damn. I'm an adult now and I can make my own decision and he should better know it," Harry huffed.

The man chuckled before he added, "Did I told you today that you are even more handsome when you are pissed off?"

"No you did not," Harry smiled at the man. "But seriously. You should have seen him at the party, he fucking flipped!" Harry was huffy again. "I don't want to think what he would do if he knew that it is you I'm seeing."

"Knowing James?" asked the voice which started sounding in James's ears like one of the voice he really didn't wanted to hear in this kind of conversation with his son, after a date.

"Probably strip you by the balls," Harry muttered.

"I'm not worried. I'm an Auror, he's a Chaser. Piece of cake for me. Besides I have a years of practice under my belt, he doesn't," the voice sounded seductively.

"What kind of practice we are talking about?" Harry asked and even to James it sounded like a shameless flirting.

"Ass-kicking one my dear Harry. Although I can change subject to more pleasant kind of practice if you want," said the man.

"You're welcome, Sirius," Harry grinned.

Sirius! The fucking git! These saddest excuse of his best friend was dating his only son? How, fucking, he dared?

James was so surprised by finding the identity of Harry's date that he stopped for a moment paying attention to these two. By the time he shook off initial shock Sirius had Harry pinned against the wall and Harry looked thoroughly snogged.

"I rethought your proposition," said Harry with a grin. "I decided to spend the night."

"Good idea Harry," Sirius said cheerfully.

They disapparated before James had a chance to made his presence known.

The joke about good, bad and very bad quickly made its way to the front of his mind and he huffed. It wasn't even fucking funny, nope, not funny at all.

**Finite**

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**Awaiting criticism. Flames, however, will be used for toasts, if you will try to flame me for writing slash** - **_I mean people look at my profile I'm bi-writer (as in writer of both het and slash). _**


	2. 2: Messrs Black, Perverts Extraordinary

**Title:** Messrs Black, Perverts Extraordinary

**Characters/Pairings:** James, Lily, Molly Weasley, Ron, Harry/Sirius, Hermione/Regulus, Hermione/Regulus/Severus.

**Rating:** R

**Summary:** James tells Lily that Sirius is backstabbing excuse of a friend. Later they visit the Weasleys and they find out that they aren't the only family with a problem.

**Warnings:** Mentions of voyeurism and voyeurism itself.

* * *

_Your son has a date … with a man … who happens to be your best friend._

Whomever came with this stupid joke should be hung … by the balls … on the chandelier, but that's James's personal opinion.

_Your son has a date…_

He should have gone after them and hex Sirius, this saddest excuse of a best friend which turned his only son into a pervert. He should… Should – a key word. He should, but he won't. Sirius was right when he said that he had years of practice under his belt whereas James didn't. Sirius would hex his Quidditch equipment off if he showed up at his flat.

Argh… fucker, stupid, backstabbing fucker. Wait till I will find a way to deal with you … you filthy, slimy git. Even that greasy git, Snape wouldn't do such a thing to a teen. A teen, a fucking teen, barely out of Hogwarts. Argh… So much for contemplating the garden. He shouldn't come here, maybe then his sanity would be spared. Argh…

"James, honey … sweetie…" Lily's voice tries to snap him out from his shock. "Why are you glaring at the gates?"

"Sirius," James mutters through gritted teeth. Filthy, little, slimy, backstabbing git.

"Oh," Lily's voice sounds surprised. "Why he didn't came in?"

"Because that fucker is fucking our fucking only son," James snaps finally.

"What?" he hears Lily mumble. "Sirius and Harry? But I thought that he and Ginny… Oh dear, poor Molly."

Is she daft? Her only son is gay and all she cares for is Molly Weasley? Did the earth started to turn backwards or is it just him?

"Lily. Our son is dating my fucking excuse of a best friend," James states as calmly as he can, which is not very much and comes out as a snap.

"He is of age," Lily says and it makes him turn around to face her, finally. She doesn't seems shocked. "He is allowed to date whomever he wants."

"But not that asshole!" James growls.

* * *

A night on the couch is not something James enjoys but Lily told him that until he sees the light and accepts their son the way he is then he is not sleeping with her in the same bed. So when after breakfast he and Lily are going to pay a visit to the Weasley family James isn't in the best mood.

_Your son has a date… with a man… who happens to be your best friend._

Thank you very much Fate. Had a laugh? Because this is definitely not funny. His son is not a puffter, for his best friend.

Maybe it's just Black family madness catching up with Sirius. Maybe inbreeding finally fucked up with someone's brain and this time it happened to be Sirius.

"Morning," James is greeted by sulking Ronald Weasley.

"Morning Ron," Lily says. "How is Hermione?"

"Ask the fucker," Ron mutters grimly.

"Ron!" Molly berates her youngest son from the kitchen.

"Seriously," Ron growls. "She left me, for him."

"Who?" Lily asks kindly.

"This fucking sissy which came around on every Hogsmead weekend, the one Sirius was bringing around," Ron mutters. "Regulus."

"Regulus?" James whispers. "What he has to do with Hermione?"

"They fuck," Ron answers.

"Ron!" Molly scolds hers son quickly. "I know that you are angry that she picked him over you."

"Picked me over him?" Ron snorts. "You didn't saw them! She had him bound to the bed and blinded and the greasy git was watching!" Ron huffs angrily before he adds. "What happened later I have no idea because even a though about Snape…"

"Professor Snape," Molly interrupts.

"Snape doing anything sexual scares me shitless," Ron finishes without paying attention to Molly's comment. "Especially with Hermione," he adds after a moment and he shuddered.

So maybe James was wrong and Snape was a pervert too and a bloody pervert on that. That sweet girl, Hermione … in relationship with Sirius's sissy brother and greasy git.

But maybe the greasy git was only watching… James shudders at that though.

Ron was perfect boy for her, they were after all Hogwarts sweethearts. Someone had to set her straight about dating Mr Sissy Black and Mr Greasy Git.

James turns on his heel and apparated to Hermione's flat.

The sight in front of him makes his jaw drop to the floor and his heart skip a bit. In front of him dressed only in her underwear was Hermione. Greasy git is standing behind her and is fondling her breast while Mr Sissy is kneeling on the floor in front of her and has his right hand in a place where James never though a hand could go. Sissy is busy kissing her abdomen but he is the first one to realise that James is in the room.

"Didn't your mother taught you to knock, Potter?" Regulus snorted. "Or that apparating to someone's flat is like blasting the door from the hinges?"

"Be thankful that his son got the manners after his mother," Snape comments without letting go of Hermione's breast. "Though he learned to knock for at least two minutes before going inside after the last time," he adds and jerks his hips which makes Hermione moan agonisingly.

"What you are doing to her?" James asks angrily.

"Normal people call it sex," Snape mutters and he kisses Hermione's neck. "But since you don't know it means that you aren't getting any…" he rolls his eyes.

"Oh, sweet Merlin," Hermione groans.

"Now can you stop being a pervert and take your jaw and the rest of you somewhere else because I'm thinking about special activity which may actually fry your brain and even if I don't like you I sincerely doubt that Harry would appreciate visiting his father in St Mungo's mental ward," Regulus comments.

James is about to turn around and disapparate when the front door are opening and two figures fall on the floor.

"Blast it," Sirius mutters as he picks himself up from the floor and helps Harry stand up. "Who forgot to lock the door?"

"Someone wanted to snog," Snape snorts.

"That would be me," Harry snickers. "Someone wants to shag. Don't mind us, we are only borrowing your gay Kamasutra."

"It's in the bedroom if you can find it," Regulus mutters and he comes back to his previous activity.

Harry nodds and he goes to the bedroom. Sirius is standing for docile for about two seconds after Harry had left the room before he mumbles, "I'm going to help him."

"Be quick," Snape mutters. "We want to use this room too."

"Stuff yourself," Sirius calls out cheerfully.

"That would be Hermione," Snape calls after him.

"Do…" Hermione starts and she groans when Regulus does something with his fingers. "Do you think that we can watch them?" she breaths out.

"If they are having a go…" Snape mutteres. "They owe us for the last time."

That is enough, James realises. He is surrounded by perverts. He turns on his heel and disapparates. It is the highest time to have a go at the bottle of Ogden's Best Firewhiskey and it doesn't matters that it is only nine o'clock in the morning.

And since he was gone he didn't heard five amused snorts and a question asked by his former best friend, "Do you think that we broke him?"

"He is going to be fine," came Regulus's answer. "Wait till he discovers that he and Lily got Kamasutra for their wedding anniversary."

"Signed by Messrs Black, Perverts Extraordinary and their victims," Harry chuckled.

**_Finite_**

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**Awaiting criticism. Flames, however, will be used for toasts, if you will try to flame me for writing slash.**


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